Bourbon Fueled Introspective

Self loathing 
Bourbon to my brain
Never could I be a violent man,
Despite my transgressions into that world
The call of duty
The duty to serve
Fuck duty and the guns
I wish I could
With fist raised in anger
Strike those bastards
With knuckled fury
And the hate that they tried to make me feel
I'm tired of this camillion life
We are forced to observe
Where we extinguish our selves
To serve another's purposes
Hating that which it forces us to become.
I want to be a marauder who
Is self sufficient in being and act
I'm weary of belonging when
It makes us deny our being
I don't give a fuck about acceptance
In a world so vain and entitled
Yet I am choking in their hands
Wrapped noose like around my throat
The Cosby Show was all a lie
And fairytale happiness
I fell upon the pickets
Of their white suburban fences
Trying to be a model
Cast from their mould
But I am no one- a cast off
Resigned to dreams never to be real
The family man with no role model
Hated by his young
Alone, abandoned to his fate
I abhor everything-
The greed and myths and lies
My consciousness streams into a river
Consumed by the ocean
Chaffed by salient brine
The salt in my wounds
That says "settle down son,
You're rocking the boat".
I want to smash the boat with my hands,
But never could I be a violent man
Though I crave drowning into another world
In the silke's arms
I long to caress
I long to embrace a forever
Where I am loved and accepted
For who and what I am
I crave the fringe which I skirt
I don't need to belong
All that I am wanting
Is the one
The one who knows me
And expects nothing
Who doesn't judge
Or make me feign a niche
In this ridiculous game
I want to breathe the night
And inhale the stars
Lost in the natural world
Where balance is the monarch
And things that shall be will be
Neither do I seek
To be chicken or egg
But, rather,
Simply be
Mindful and present
In a nonviolent place
For never could I have violent man